How do I say all I have to say without upsetting someone? I feel like every time I express myself somebody doesn't like it, they get angry. Every time I express how big God is, how I believe there is no limits with Him, someone is ready to put that down and call it crazy. I feel like I am pushing and pressing alone. I feel there is an ocean in front of me and I am running head first into the biggest wave. I know God is with me. I know He holds my hand and leads my step. I know with one of His words that raging storm will stop. However, this is a storm I am to endure. My current ministry: family. Yet, I feel like I don't connect at all with my sisters. I don't even feel like they know me or I know them.
Today was hard day. A day I was angry with God. I told Him I don't want this, I want to be else where. He listened to me cry and complain, then He answered. I wish I could share this intimate answer. I wish I could tell you His words, they are so close to my heart and so dear. Basically, He gave me hope and direction. God even gave me a vision of myself. I was probably in my 30's and I was working with children in Africa. A small glimpse into my future. A promise of where my ministry will be someday. I don't know what happens between now and then, I only know what I do and to obey God now.
Part of me misses when my walk was all about restoring myself, when it was me and God and Him showing me who I really am, those beautiful moments of healing and redemption. I still have beautiful moments alone with God, I have them daily, and yet now I pour out. I pour into others and I love it. I love pointing people to God, except now I face opposition to my core belief, to my love. It's not what I want but I am doing it. I can be put down for believing God replaces a knee cap, or restores a girls virginity straight to the hymen and be put down and told it's crazy. I know my God is bigger than a random book by a Christian author, or my praying and dutifully reading my bible. My God is the God who spit in the mud and rubbed mud on a blind man's eyes and then He saw. My God isn't in a box and the beautiful thing is God doesn't need me to defend Him to anyone. He defends me. He is the Creator of the human heart and the One who loves men.
People can tell me I am crazy, they can say I am too radical and no matter how much it hurts I will press in farther and closer to Him. The reason it hurts when people say that isn't because I fear their opinion of me, it's the grieving of the Holy Spirit and the thought they don't want their God to be the powerful Savior He is. I am grieved by their lack of understanding. That they deny His power while the world starves for His love. This is my grief, this is my sadness.
The moment we think an ice cream social is going pull people from the pits of despair we have lost the battle before it began. We're trying to fight the deceit of Satan with frozen milk. Until we realize that we were given a power and love so strong that Satan trembles at we will forever be in turmoil ourselves. We are looking to man when we need to be looking to God.
This is where I am. This is what I feel. This is my heart. To pursue after God even when others say it's a joke or crazy and not possible. I believe God replaces limbs. He created those limbs. I believe in all that is possible because I believe in His word. With Christ all things are possible. Let's believe it and live it.
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