Well, the last few days I have been struggling with God. Yes, struggling with God. I have not like the plans He has for me, I have some desires I feel He has put on the back burner. That hurts. I want these passions and desires to be met now. I have never been a patient person and now it is causing me to feel sad and disappointed with God. I'm holding back the desire to cry just admitting that. The love of my life has become "not enough". That hurts me, but I know it hurts God even more. So double ouch for me. (This could turn into a vicious cycle). I don't believe God wants me to feel disappointed and unfulfilled. I believe He wants me to live an abundant life. So, why am I feeling this way? I guess the obvious answer is, well I'm human. The second answer is, my focus shifted a tidge. I desire to be a mom desperately. To love and nurture a child and be there daily. To show them God in my love and care. Sounds mushy I know, but that desire is so strong and is one reason I love working with kids. Anyways, obviously if I wish to be a mother, I want to be a wife. God has me in a place where I know dating is not an option. I know God wants me to take this time and grow deeper in my walk, to become increasingly intimate with Him. So, it took some thoughts, some day dreaming, and boom! Focus shifted and with that shift came resentment, fear, and pain. I felt like everyone around me was making the steps and having babies, getting married, becoming engaged, and here I was, the spinster (I don't think I'm on old enough to be a spinster!!).
Anyways. I shifted my eyes from God and it brought in a comparison, a worldly one. I was, looking at the walks of other people and wondering why, why am I not doing that? That's when disappointment came, "God you're giving them what I want!" I was upset and discouraged, like there was all these prayers being answered and mine were falling on deaf ears. Finally, the disappointment was becoming pain and tears. I started to feel inadequate, as if I was lacking something to offer the world. Lies. God was watching this whole struggle and I know He was hurting with me, that He was trying to show me something more. So, I finally went to Him. I went to Jesus, the one who passionately loves me. I went to Him, and said, "I just want to sit with you, this pain is over my head and I don't know what I am missing. I am frustrated and lonely. I know you're with me and I know you can take this pain. Help me to believe it. Just come sit with me Jesus." Well, He came, and He loved. He encouraged and loved me. However, I felt something was missing. For two days I kept repeating those feelings, it had always worked before. When I hand something to God He fixes it. He helps me. Well, the feelings stayed, I wondered if I wasn't really giving it over and became angry with myself.
Last night, me and my dad were in the car talking. I don't often tell my dad these things, but I felt I should. So I told my dad how I felt and what I was thinking. Then my dad told me something so profound. He told me that I should always tell my Father in Heaven how I am feeling but then my dad said, "then ask Him to teach you. Ask God, 'teach me how I should feel right now. While I am waiting, teach me how to feel.'". That was amazing, I hadn't thought about it. So last night I sat in my room and asked God, "How should I feel?" He replied, "You should have joy. After all, I am refining the right person. I am taking extra care in the man I present to you, because you deserve the extra care and details,". Wow God! Really? That's so rad!
What I learned is that we need to ask God to teach us Himself. The Bible is an amazing tool, books by different authors is wonderful, but the only one who can teach us is God Himself. Let Him take your hurts and disappointments and ask Him to teach you how to feel and how to walk through it. You are unique. God made you unique and only HE knows what YOU need.
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