Where do we draw the line?

Last night I logged onto facebook only find something that greatly disturbed me. I looked as women who claimed to love God posted phrases similar to, "I like it on the counter" or "I like it on the bed" etc. It was to raise awareness for breast cancer. I am all for raising breast cancer awareness. We should participate in breast cancer, and all other serious cancer causes. However, where do we draw the line at inappropriate? What does a phrase that gives the image of a person having sex in a random place have to do with cancer awareness? It might as well be to raise awareness for STD's. The bible constantly talks about how Christians are to be in the world and not of the world.
All of this brought on the thought, "what am I portraying on my facebook?" Do I think it's ok to play games and participate in phrase-games that cause others to think of me having sex in the back seat of my car because that is where I throw my purse? Am I honestly giving a pure image of myself when I make it sound like I am having sex on the kitchen table? I am being serious. Am I showing God's love when I put up swear words in my status because it is socially acceptable? Facebook has become a place where Christians no longer follow God. It's ok because it's just facebook. I thought Christ was involved with every aspect of our lives? I guess He isn't allowed on Facebook, I mean why stop at banning Him from schools? Let's ban Him from our internet lingo, too.
When will we draw the line at what is pure and acceptable? I know I may get called a "prude" or even an "idiot" for writing this. However, I guess it's true when Christ said they will mock us. "You can't even play a simple game, Mary?" my answer, no way, especially if it will depict me in a vulgar way. I will not conform to this world. Not even the simplest little things. We need to protect our integrity and the purity of the church. I know God has made me pure once again, why would I trash the forgiveness for a game on facebook? What I really want people to get from this blog is, where are you drawing the line and telling God, "you can't pass this,".

Hidden in the Heart...

Many people know my story. They know my struggles I have overcome with Christ. They know my Egypt. The thing about Egypt is that those who walked out of it had experienced so much pain, they doubted God would follow through. They complained and demanded the moment something went wrong. They didn't know how to trust in God because their past had hurt them and blinded them to the love and mercy of God. I think about my own life, my own heart, my trust and my faith. Recently old memories came to my mind, things I have done, the choices I made and I didn't feel like it was me who did them. Someone from my past has been stuck in my brain, I don't know why. I haven't talked to this person in so long that I am not sure if they know how much I have changed or where my life is now. Last night I asked God why this person keeps coming up in my mind. This person was one who I had hurt so many times very deeply and they hurt me just as much. I had dream with this person. It wasn't anything big, and too much to explain. I woke up and mulled the dream over in my mind and prayed about it. Then I realized, there was some hurts in my heart and I never realized it. There was some old wounds that I hadn't let go of. I am working on it. I need to go to that secret quiet place and let God create and remove, and restore that area. This person, someone I haven't seen or talked to in two years, still had a hold. Isn't amazing that the last couple weeks I couldn't hear or feel God? And it turns out there is an area of my heart kept from Him? I see how the old hurt and pain surfaced when my current life started to get shaky. Our past can't follow into our present. We wander, some for days or weeks, others for decades like the Israelites and Moses. Do I want to keep any part of my heart from God? NO WAY! 

Today, look into your heart and determine what has to go, from your past and today that hinders you. That causes you to doubt God. You can't keep going when you have held onto something. We do, we keep things locked in our hearts and sometimes don't even know it. Let's be free. Let God be the Healer and Redeemer. Give up the things that hold you down and grab onto Him and don't let go.

"Let Him teach you"

Well, the last few days I have been struggling with God. Yes, struggling with God. I have not like the plans He has for me, I have some desires I feel He has put on the back burner. That hurts. I want these passions and desires to be met now. I have never been a patient person and now it is causing me to feel sad and disappointed with God. I'm holding back the desire to cry just admitting that. The love of my life has become "not enough". That hurts me, but I know it hurts God even more. So double ouch for me. (This could turn into a vicious cycle). I don't believe God wants me to feel disappointed and unfulfilled. I believe He wants me to live an abundant life. So, why am I feeling this way? I guess the obvious answer is, well I'm human. The second answer is, my focus shifted a tidge. I desire to be a mom desperately. To love and nurture a child and be there daily. To show them God in my love and care. Sounds mushy I know, but that desire is so strong and is one reason I love working with kids. Anyways, obviously if I wish to be a mother, I want to be a wife. God has me in a place where I know dating is not an option. I know God wants me to take this time and grow deeper in my walk, to become increasingly intimate with Him. So, it took some thoughts, some day dreaming, and boom! Focus shifted and with that shift came resentment, fear, and pain. I felt like everyone around me was making the steps and having babies, getting married, becoming engaged, and here I was, the spinster (I don't think I'm on old enough to be a spinster!!).

Anyways. I shifted my eyes from God and it brought in a comparison, a worldly one. I was, looking at the walks of other people and wondering why, why am I not doing that? That's when disappointment came, "God you're giving them what I want!" I was upset and discouraged, like there was all these prayers being answered and mine were falling on deaf ears. Finally, the disappointment was becoming pain and tears. I started to feel inadequate, as if I was lacking something to offer the world. Lies. God was watching this whole struggle and I know He was hurting with me, that He was trying to show me something more. So, I finally went to Him. I went to Jesus, the one who passionately loves me. I went to Him, and said, "I just want to sit with you, this pain is over my head and I don't know what I am missing. I am frustrated and lonely. I know you're with me and I know you can take this pain. Help me to believe it. Just come sit with me Jesus." Well, He came, and He loved. He encouraged and loved me. However, I felt something was missing. For two days I kept repeating those feelings, it had always worked before. When I hand something to God He fixes it. He helps me. Well, the feelings stayed, I wondered if I wasn't really giving it over and became angry with myself.

Last night, me and my dad were in the car talking. I don't often tell my dad these things, but I felt I should. So I told my dad how I felt and what I was thinking. Then my dad told me something so profound. He told me that I should always tell my Father in Heaven how I am feeling but then my dad said, "then ask Him to teach you. Ask God, 'teach me how I should feel right now. While I am waiting, teach me how to feel.'". That was amazing, I hadn't thought about it. So last night I sat in my room and asked God, "How should I feel?" He replied, "You should have joy. After all, I am refining the right person. I am taking extra care in the man I present to you, because you deserve the extra care and details,". Wow God! Really? That's so rad!

What I learned is that we need to ask God to teach us Himself. The Bible is an amazing tool, books by different authors is wonderful, but the only one who can teach us is God Himself. Let Him take your hurts and disappointments and ask Him to teach you how to feel and how to walk through it. You are unique. God made you unique and only HE knows what YOU need.

Stepping On Toes

How do I say all I have to say without upsetting someone? I feel like every time I express myself somebody doesn't like it, they get angry. Every time I express how big God is, how I believe there is no limits with Him, someone is ready to put that down and call it crazy. I feel like I am pushing and pressing alone. I feel there is an ocean in front of me and I am running head first into the biggest wave. I know God is with me. I know He holds my hand and leads my step. I know with one of His words that raging storm will stop. However, this is a storm I am to endure. My current ministry: family. Yet, I feel like I don't connect at all with my sisters. I don't even feel like they know me or I know them.
Today was hard day. A day I was angry with God. I told Him I don't want this, I want to be else where. He listened to me cry and complain, then He answered. I wish I could share this intimate answer. I wish I could tell you His words, they are so close to my heart and so dear. Basically, He gave me hope and direction. God even gave me a vision of myself. I was probably in my 30's and I was working with children in Africa. A small glimpse into my future. A promise of where my ministry will be someday. I don't know what happens between now and then, I only know what I do and to obey God now.
Part of me misses when my walk was all about restoring myself, when it was me and God and Him showing me who I really am, those beautiful moments of healing and redemption. I still have beautiful moments alone with God, I have them daily, and yet now I pour out. I pour into others and I love it. I love pointing people to God, except now I face opposition to my core belief, to my love. It's not what I want but I am doing it. I can be put down for believing God replaces a knee cap, or restores a girls virginity straight to the hymen and be put down and told it's crazy. I know my God is bigger than a random book by a Christian author, or my praying and dutifully reading my bible. My God is the God who spit in the mud and rubbed mud on a blind man's eyes and then He saw. My God isn't in a box and the beautiful thing is God doesn't need me to defend Him to anyone. He defends me. He is the Creator of the human heart and the One who loves men.
People can tell me I am crazy, they can say I am too radical and no matter how much it hurts I will press in farther and closer to Him. The reason it hurts when people say that isn't because I fear their opinion of me, it's the grieving of the Holy Spirit and the thought they don't want their God to be the powerful Savior He is. I am grieved by their lack of understanding. That they deny His power while the world starves for His love. This is my grief, this is my sadness.
The moment we think an ice cream social is going pull people from the pits of despair we have lost the battle before it began. We're trying to fight the deceit of Satan with frozen milk. Until we realize that we were given a power and love so strong that Satan trembles at we will forever be in turmoil ourselves. We are looking to man when we need to be looking to God.
This is where I am. This is what I feel. This is my heart. To pursue after God even when others say it's a joke or crazy and not possible. I believe God replaces limbs. He created those limbs. I believe in all that is possible because I believe in His word. With Christ all things are possible. Let's believe it and live it.

No More Sunday School Answers...

Today, a thought crossed my mind. How should I look? No, I wasn't deciding what to wear, straighten or curl my hair, or even how to do makeup. No I was thinking about me, how I appear in all my manners and character to those around me. Mary Magdalene was passionate in her relationship with Christ, she sought to love and serve Him. Christ stood up when Steven was dying, stood in Heaven. I am positive all of Heaven saw Jesus stand through His moment of sheer pain and joy for Steven's death. Steven would once again be close to Him, right there with Him.

"By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."- John 13:35.

This verse ran through my head all day. I don't need the perfect answer to every question, matter of fact, I don't want the answer if my heart isn't behind it. LOVE. Love is what brought Jesus to this Earth, Love lead Him to the cross and Love raised Him from the dead. What am I if I don't love? Who am I if I don't have love? These thoughts began to soak in my brain. I wonder what life is like without love. Anyone can give a Sunday school answer to any question, anyone can memorize doctrine and theology, there's no real challenge. What if I learned to love those I don't understand? What if I learned to be kind to the one no one sees? Am I being a Christian? When do my motives change?

I usually love glory. I love being commented and praised. Words of affirmation are my love language. I also don't always let God speak them to me. I love when other people do though, oh how I crave and admire receiving attention from people. However, the words of men and women never satisfy. It is lacking. The words from God though, now there, there is my true joy. I love when I am sitting in my room, walking down the street, riding my bike, or watching my nephews play and I hear God's voice. Telling me how much He loves me, how beautiful I am, how excited He is for the future, for today. The small moments I think of Him and just tell Him, "I love you,". Letting God's love wash over me throughout the day in small ways are my treasure. When I open my heart to Him throughout the day, it is open to share Him throughout the day. Did you catch that? Share HIM! Not religion, not theology, not scriptures, HIM. Just pure love. I know in my heart that God is pure love. He made me in love and walks with me in Love.

Today, take a moment to open your heart when you normally wouldn't. Open your mind to Him and watch how He flows into your heart, then His love overflows onto a much needy heart. Be the light and love you were called to be. You don't need the right answers or words. All you need is love.

Limitless God

So many times I feel convicted about certain things. There are different sins, or small ways of how we conduct ourselves. The books we read, the movies we watch, or even the people we spend the majority of our time with. Convictions are God's way of guiding us and growing us. Giving up small things for something better, even when we don't know that giving up rated R movies for a year will give us a better attitude and purer thoughts. Some people feel convicted to dive in farther with their relationship with God. They feel they should press in even more, start testing the gifts God gave them. Some people start seeking and going farther than those immediately around them. When we decided to press in, not everyone will support it. Even Christians will tell us we are wrong, or that God isn't wanting us to heal people. We are fine with just reading our bibles and praying. The truth is, it stirs people. No one wants to be pushed before they are ready and radical Christians have always been mocked by their brothers and sisters in Christ. I am not calling myself a radical, trust me I wish I was a radical. What I am saying is that I have been pressing farther into God than ever before. I want to see people healed the same way the disciples did after Christ ascended. I want to see thousands saved at a time like on the day of Pentecost. What I want, is a God without limits and boundaries. We always say, "God is a great God," yet we act like He is limited. We don't claim our spiritual gifts, we don't push for more. I began to become restless with just prayer and reading. I love it I do, but I felt there was more. Now, I am experiencing that more. The more I seek the opposition rises, even in those I love. As someone wanting a great God without limits, then I can't accept the limits others try to oppose.

Let's say goodbye to a limited God, and run straight for our God who wants to perform His works through us, who wants to part the Sea and raise the dead. That is the God I serve.

Can I freak out now?

This morning I finished a podcast by Bill Johnson, pastor of Bethel Church in Redding. It empowered me and inspired me, I want to do something radical right now while I am sitting here in my kitchen. I listened as he explained how we have an open access to Heaven. When Jesus was baptized Heaven tore open above Him. From then on Jesus had an open access to Heaven that allowed Him to overcome everything that He encountered. He brought Heaven to people wherever He stepped. Then Bill Johnson made the point of how Jesus cleared the way for us. How He told us to go and do what He did and greater. How Jesus said, "what the Father sent me to do I now send you to do,". Um, wow, and amazing. Can I freak out now? HA! This is so exciting! Through the Holy Spirit I have access to Heaven.Light is shining out of me! LIGHT! the Light of God to be exact. I guess today I want to live in wonder of that fact. I need to let this sink in. Have a great day.